Mummipokey Vs Skeldritch
Intro Wiz: Video games don’t just serve as a means of entertainment. They take us into brand new worlds, with their own stories, their own lands, and their own inhabitants. Boomstick: Allow me to fast-forward Wiz’s introduction on speciation and get right to the point: video games, especially Nintendo, are very fond of upgrading basic enemies. An undead variant is almost a given. Wiz: Like with Mummipokey, the zombified sentient cactus of the Mushroom Kingdom. Boomstick: And Skeldritch, the skeletal Eldritch abomination Stalfos. He’s Wiz, and I’m Boomstick. Wiz: And it’s our job to analyze their weapons, armour, and skills, in order to find out who would win... a Death Battle. Mummipokey Wiz: The Mushroom Kingdom is covered with nearly every imaginable landscape, and the harsh desert is no exception. Faced with scorching drought and blazing sun, beings who wish to live here must adapt to the worst extremes nature can give. Boomstick: For the Mushroom Kingdom, which has deserts suspiciously based on Ancient Egypt, the most common residents are the Pokeys, living cacti that roam the desert with such a big smile, you wouldn’t be able to tell they were going to kill you. Wiz: Pokey are actually made up of several segmented body parts; it appears only the head is needed to sustain life. Lower segments can be knocked away no problem, and the Pokey doesn’t even feel any pain. Either that or their smiles are signs that the whole species is made of masochists. Boomstick: But when they do die, it appears that the higher-class Pokeys don’t stay down forever. If you have a symbol of authority like, say, a bitchin’ mustache, then you can count on being brought back from the dead. Wiz: The origins of Mummipokey aren’t known, but it’s certainly possible he was a test subject of Bowser Jr. Before he brought his burnt-to-the-bone dead dad back from the other side. But no mistaking it, Mummipokey is more dangerous than any other regular Pokey Mario has come across before. Boomstick: Mummipokey’s body is made up of several segmented balls covered in spikes that make him too sharp to touch. You can tell he means business because his spines are red. They are covered in the blood of his enemies. Wiz: Mummipokey’s biggest advantage in battle is his speed. Unlike most of the Pokey species, Mummipokey can tunnel underground at very fast rates, popping back up to surface for an attack. He is capable of moving on the sand with varying levels of height, leaving the rest of his body under the ground, though he tends to stay up longer when he has more of a height advantage. Boomstick: With defense and speed covered, Mummipokey’s no slouch on offense either. I’d like to see biology explain why he’s able to shoot bloody cannonballs from his mouth! Wiz: However, Mummipokey isn’t invincible. With no spikes on his head, he’s vulnerable to getting crushed from above, limiting his ability to ambush from below. And, like any dry undead plant, he has little defense against fireballs. Boomstick: His cannonballs are also slow-moving and very easy to dodge. But this cactus is far from predictable. With no set attack pattern, your only bet is to run and try to dodge whenever he comes up. God, if this thing was made in a game less cartoony, I’d have nightmares. Mummipokey kills Mario. Skeldritch Wiz: The Stalfos. Undead skeletal warriors, they roam the darkness with a thirst for blood, hoping to prey upon any enemy warriors they may encounter. Boomstick: Depending on the game you encounter them in, may the Goddesses have mercy on your soul should you encounter one unprepared. Wiz: While the Stalfos commonly refers to the humanoid skeleton with a sword, different Stal species are known to exist. From the winged skull bubbles to the mighty Stallord, one must wonder why Death is even a concern in the Zelda universe. Boomstick: And why Ganon keeps coming back in the flesh when he can just use the same undead-animation magic that turned these guys into the durable fuckers they are. But, for the life of me, what the Hell was THIS thing supposed to be when it was alive? Wiz: I have no idea. A totem pole? A cactus? Something with no limbs but a large spinal column? Boomstick: Your guess is as good as mine, Captain Science. Wiz: Skeldtritch makes his home in the Sand Realm of New Hyrule, and seems to be some sort of warrior from thousands of years ago. His spinal cord is covered in armour, and he wears a large helmet, adding great defense to his already-strong Stalfos bones. Boomstick: As if his height wasn’t enough of a deterrent. Or his freaking cannons. What’s up with the undead just suddenly turning into 14th century weaponry? Wiz: Skeldritch can shoot boulders from his spine, at rather high velocities, but not beyond the ability of walls of sand to stop. Should he be angered, he can choose to fire red boulders at a much faster rate. He can also shoot laser beams from his mouth. It gets weirder, trust me. Boomstick: This demon thingy is capable of living without the lower segments of his spine, though he remains immobile until he’s reduced to just a head. The force needed to destroy his spine is massive, so he has very little to worry about. Wiz: While just a head, Skeltritch becomes a hopping jaw of revenge, devouring anything that gets in his patch. Given his new speed, it becomes difficult to set up ranged attacks, given that he no longer spawns boulders. Instead, the only way to defeat him is to slash at the crystal on his head, usually protected by a helmet. Boomstick: Are we just going to ignore that he lives in a place with four powerful boulder launchers pointed at him? And has convenient boulder-sized gaps in every section of his armour? Wiz: True, if Skeldritch didn’t provide the means to his own defeat, he could be a much more dangerous foe. He is also incapable of movement while his spine is anchored in the ground, so it’s not out of the question to just stay out of range and charge up a powerful attack if you have one. Boomstick: Thank god this thing can't move. If I spotted it in the countryside... well, let’s just say I’d need a new pair of pants. Skeldritch kills Link Interlude Wiz: All right, the combatants are set, let’s end this debate once and for all. Boomstick: It’s time for a Death Battle! Death Battle (Arbiter’s Grounds, 0:00-0:40) A small wind blows through an Ancient Egyptian temple, scattering some sand. A young adventurer with a torch follows his way into the tomb before he comes across a massive black door. As he stands in front of it, it opens for him, leading into a massive circular room with of sand. Torches and catapults surround the arena. As the adventurer walks deeper into the room, the walls begin to shake, and the sand underneath his feet begins to stir. (Stallord, 0:19-0:25) As he screams, he sinks into the sand, and Mummipokey and Skeldritch surface on either side of the arena, screaming at each other. FIGHT!!! (Stallord, 0:26-0:56) Skeldritch shoots a boulder at Mummipokey, who sinks into the sand to avoid it and pops back up. He dodges another shot by the same method, and continues to do so until he surfaces right next to Skeldritch. Leaning back, he smacks Skeldritch with his body, staggering the Ancient Demon. Skeldritch uses his wind-up to smack Mummipokey in return, and the two have a short necking battle before Skeldritch surprises Mummipokey by shooting a point-blank cannonball into his lowest segment. Undeterred, Mummipokey ducks into the sand and retreats. Resurfacing, Mummipokey fires a cannonball at Skeldritch’s lowest segment, shattering it. Skeldritch roars and charges up a laser in his mouth, shooting it at the Pokey. He ducks and the laser carves into the wall. Mummipokey then spits five cannonballs into the sand right in front of him, and smacks the ground with his head. The balls fly up and he swings his body to smack them all at Skeldritch, who cuts them all down with a laser beam. Firing another boulder at Mummipokey, Skeldritch destroys another segment of the Pokey’s body. (Forsaken, 1:27-1:48) A few more boulders are fired, but Mummipokey dodges them all, and one makes its way into a launcher on the arena’s edge. Mummipokey shoots a cannonball at the catapult, and it launches the boulder at Skeldritch, destroying another segment of his spine. Mummipokey dives into the sand once more and surfaces right next to Skeldritch, wrapping his flexible body around the Demon. Although he tries to hold on, Skeldritch shakes him off and swings his head at the undead plant. Mummipokey ducks and Skeldritch hits the wall, knocking off his helmet and revealing his crystal. (Forsaken, 2:10-2:32) A light bulb appears over Mummipokey’s head and he ducks into the sand, retreating next to a catapult. He taunts Skeldritch, trying to goad him into shooting another boulder, but Skeldritch instead fires a laser, burning up every segment of Mummiokey’s body except his head. Now with no other attack options, Mummipokey hops into the catapult and launches himself at Skeldritch’s head. A sound cone forms around him as he hurls towards Skeldritch’s weak point... (Silence) ...And instead of damaging it, Skeldritch promptly catches his head in his jaw, swallowing it whole. After chewing for a bit, his spine glows, and he shoots out Mummipokey’s head, smashing it against the far wall and reducing it to dust. K.O!!! Mummipokey’s body parts fade away into dust. Skeldritch burrows into the sand. Results Boomstick: Why the heck did we make this? Wiz: Because the combatants were too similar and easy to research, and the simplicity of the fighting made it difficult to pass up the opportunity to throw another complete battle out there? Boomstick: I guess. Wiz: Skeldritch held every advantage in this battle except for speed. Although Mummipokey proved hard to catch at first, really, the Mario Boss had nothing that could damage Skeldritch outside of his slow-moving cannonballs. Boomstick: You want to try piercing that armour with tiny body spines? Go ahead. Skeldritch dwarfs Mummipokey in size, and even if the desert plant could match his height, no way something that tall and skinny could stand up to a boulder thicker than it. Wiz: And because Skeldritch’s projectiles are larger and faster, the outcome is pretty straightforward. Mummipokey hasn’t shown any intelligence, or dexterity, that would allow him to use the cannonballs against the Ancient Demon correctly. Boomstick: And his body offered no protection against the laser beams either; dry plants and bandages burn up really easily, and aren’t the most durable. Skeldritch needs to be taken out by boulders and sacred swords, but Mummipokey’s so fragile he gets heavily damaged by ground pounds from a Mario so small, he floats on water. Wiz: On the bright side, I’m sure we’ll never see these combatants again. Boomstick: Our apologies, but this battle was totem-ly in the Ancient Demon’s favour. Wiz: The winner is Skeldritch. Do you agree with the results of Mummipokey Vs Skeldritch? Yes No The result was right, the reasoning was not Next Time Boomstick: Next time, on Death Battle! A storm of heavy wind and rain rages over the ocean, which is angry with large powerful waves. As thunder echoes throughout the sky, a massive wave rises up out of the ocean, and the silhouette of a muscular man rises out of the wave, a trident in his hand. He stares towards the sky, where a bright flash of lightning reveals the shadow of a woman levitating above him, lightning bolts in her hands. Category:What-If? Death Battles Category:Completed What-If? Death Battles Category:MP999 Category:'Video Games' themed Death Battles Category:'Mario vs Zelda' themed Death Battles Category:Sub-Boss/Boss themed Death Battles Category:'Villain vs. Villain' Themed Death Battles Category:What-If? Death Battles completed in 2016